Empty and Angry
In May 1992, my oldest son, Justin, was five – almost six. He was a funny, red headed, freckled, outgoing little boy. But complications following open-heart surgery left my comical and curious little boy severely brain damaged and completely changed. Four months later I brought home a child who could not walk, talk, eat, or even hold his head up. A child who suffered from neuro crying and hyper- sensitivity to touch and sounds and who would struggle with severe seizures the rest of his life – a life in which he would never regain speech or mobility. And I was plunged into one of the darkest seasons of my life.
Initially, I was just numb. But as the years passed and the reality of what kind of life Justin – and consequently the rest of us – were facing, I began to struggle with anger. At times my temper would just blow, and I would verbally explode at Justin. Sometimes I would stomp out the door, slam it behind me, and just kick the wall until my anger was spent.
Grace for a Broken Heart
One day after an angry outburst, I found myself locked in the bathroom on my knees in tears, crying out to God in a prayer of bitter complaint. “Oh God,” I cried, “I don’t know if I can handle this. It is so unfair to have a child who will never grow up, never feed himself, and never eat from our table.” I begged, “Please, please, heal him and give him the ability to communicate and feed himself. Please help him learn to do something – anything.”
Instantly, Paul’s words to the Corinthian church came to mind: “I had to talk as though you belonged to this world or as though you were infants in the Christian life.. I had to feed you with milk, not with solid food, because you weren’t ready for anything stronger. And you still aren’t ready, for you are still controlled by your sinful nature.”
I suddenly realized that I was the one who was handicapped. I was the one still unable to eat meat from the table. It was my heart that was immature and weak. I was the one who needed to be helped and healed. ~ My Journey With Justin pg. 192
Brokenness and Grace Collide
In that moment, the Lord was not rebuking me. He was turning me to him, and inviting me into a relationship with him. He was loving me, regardless of my anger, regardless of my sin, regardless of my circumstances. In that moment, I was broken and in desperate need of grace and forgiveness -not just for my emotional outbursts but for a heart that was bitter and felt entitled to something better.
This was one of my first experiences in which I found my brokenness and God’s generous grace colliding. It was both a loving embrace and a gentle rebuke. But anger isn’t the only response to brokenness, sometimes it is an attempt at self-soothing that slides into sin. Perhaps there is a buried sense of entitlement to the pleasures of sinful activities because we have suffered injustice in circumstances beyond our control, or painful, unintended consequences of our own choices. Sometimes we repeat unhealthy patterns in an attempt to ‘do it better.’
But God is so gracious to the broken. In that season as I cared for my handicapped son, my heart was healed by God’s overwhelming love for me. I learned to be grateful for the grace that I was given, and my love for God grew out of the overflow of His love for me. This is how Jesus draws us closer to Him and exhorts us to a live a life of holiness – He loves us.
Compelling Love
One beautiful example of this compelling love that brings peace to the broken is the story of Mary and Simon recorded in Luke 7: 36-50. This story is recorded in all four gospels, so as different witnesses recorded different aspects of this story, we can get a clear picture of the characters in this story. (Matthew 26:6-13; Mark 14:3-9; Luke 7:36-50; John 11:2 and John 12:1-8)
But Luke records the dialogue between Jesus and his host, Simon, who we know was a Pharisee (a religious leader) and according to Matthew and Mark was also a leper (or was once a leper since he is hosting a crowd in his house it is unlikely, he was still a leper) and John in his version of the story also mentions that Judas Iscariot was the son of Simon – possibly this same Simon. (John 12:4)
A Conversation with Simon
And behold, a woman in the city who was a sinner, when she knew that Jesus sat at the table in the Pharisee’s house, brought an alabaster flask of fragrant oil, and stood at His feet behind Him weeping; and she began to wash His feet with her tears, and wiped them with the hair of her head; and she kissed His feet and anointed them with the fragrant oil. Now when the pharisee who had invited Him saw this, he spoke to himself, saying, “This Man, if He were a prophet, would know who and what manner of woman this is who is touching Him, for she is a sinner.”
And Jesus answered and said to him, “Simon, I have something to say to you.”
So he said, “Teacher, say it.”
There was a certain creditor who had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. And when they had nothing with which to repay, he freely forgave them both. Tell Me, therefore, which of them will love him more?”
Simon answered and said, “I suppose the one whom he forgave more.”
And He said to him, “You have rightly judged.” Then He turned to the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave Me no water for My feet, but she has washed My feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head. You gave Me no kiss, but this woman has not ceased to kiss My feet since the time I came in. You did not anoint My head with oil, but this woman has anointed My feet with fragrant oil. Therefore, I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little.”
Then He said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” ~ Luke 7:36-50
Grace for the Broken
In this passage, it is obvious Jesus is loving Mary. Mary apparently entered this party uninvited, although both her brother Lazarus and her sister Martha were there. (John 12:1-2). We know from Simon’s thoughts that Mary was considered a ‘sinner’ and perhaps she was seen as the wayward sister of Lazarus and Martha, and unworthy of an invitation. But it is easy to see from his kind defense of Mary, that Jesus loved her, and we also know from scripture that he had obviously spent time in fellowship with her and her siblings.
While I can relate to Simon, I can also relate to Mary. I know how it feels to be the outcast, to be considered sinful and unworthy. When my husband committed suicide two days after I filed for divorce, there were those who condemned me for his death and thought I shouldn’t even be allowed to attend his funeral. When I attended with my children, I felt outcast, numb, empty, and condemned. Like Mary, I felt unworthy of grace. But Jesus loved Mary, and in remembering the sweetness of God’s presence in that season, I know He was loving me too.
Grace for All
Jesus loves the brokenhearted. However, I think Jesus also loves the prideful and self-righteous, although his love for one may look different from the other. I think he was reminding Simon in the parable that although Simon’s life may have outwardly looked more righteous than Mary’s, Simon was also a debtor to grace. And it is God’s grace that reminds us of His costly love for us and compels us to graciously love each other. I think that just as I felt God’s love for me there on the bathroom floor on that day so long ago and knew that He was not rebuking me but calling me to a deeper relationship with both Himself and others, Jesus was also inviting Simon into a deeper relationship with himself and those around him.
A dear friend of mine has often said that some people wear their sins on the outside, while others wear their sins on the inside. I love this reminder that while we may appear to be righteous on the outside, our hearts, like Simon’s, are often full of judgmental self-righteous pride. While I have been broken like Mary, I have been self-righteous and prideful like Simon too. And if this Simon was truly the father of Judas Iscariot, although he certainly wasn’t responsible for the actions of his son, nevertheless, he may have still found himself in desperate need of the same measure of compassion and grace that Jesus was giving to Mary. We don’t know, but perhaps this conversation was life-changing for Simon as well as for Mary.
Exhortation to Remember Grace
I wish I could say that morning in the bathroom was the only time I needed to be reminded of God’s grace for me, but as the years have passed and I have walked through other seasons, I have been reminded over and over of MY desperate need for grace. Sometimes that reminder has been through scripture, sometimes it has come through nature or through song, and often it has come through the gracious and loving words of a friend. Sometimes what may have seemed like a rebuke, felt like a loving invitation into a relationship. And other times, when I felt I should be rebuked, all I felt was the tender embrace of grace. Although I am certainly not the woman I long to be, those reminders of my debt to grace have helped me grow in patience and love towards others who, no worse and no better than me, also need grace.
The writer of Hebrews reminds us, “And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching.” (Hebrews 10:24-25) And so, it is my prayer friend, that as you gather in churches, in families, with friends, and all the other ways we assemble with other believers, may you lovingly encourage one another. May we always be reminded of our own need for grace. So, by grace we can find patience for the prideful Simons’ in our life, and we can lovingly welcome and include the Marys’ that come our way. Because we all need space for grace.