Teach us to number our days that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom. ~Psalm 90:12
Working for the Kingdom
The old King James translation still echoes in my mind when I think of this verse. As a teenager, I thought this verse meant we were not to waste a single minute of our day. We were to be as productive as possible with every single day, every single hour, and every single minute. I’m not sure where that message originated, perhaps it was spoken in a lesson or a sermon or perhaps it was my interpretation of the verse. Either way, that message stayed with me throughout my teen years and into adulthood. And somehow it became tied to my value and worth as a person.
The subliminal message I learned as a child was: “I must be good, helpful, and productive to earn love.” This message merged with the messages I received at church. I thought God not only required me to be good and moral but also helpful and productive. Although it was never directly stated, the implied message I received was that to earn God’s love and favor, I should be beneficial to the kingdom in addition to being a good, self-sufficient citizen and individual.
While, the opposite was often said, “God loves you just the way you are.” The implied message I received, was once you accept Jesus as your savior, he expects you to ‘earn your keep’ or ‘your blessings’ by working for His kingdom. Although no one would ever explicitly say they felt entitled to God’s blessings because they were good and moral and generously gave of their time and resources to the church, I think if we search our hearts, that is often the message we may believe.
Loved for My Good Deeds
It wasn’t until my life was turned upside down by tragedy that I began the long, slow, process of untangling those unhelpful and potentially destructive messages. After my son was left severely brain-damaged as a result of surgery, I often felt like Job and the object of speculation. Because of my flawed theology, I assumed others saw Justin as an unanswered prayer or perhaps a punishment or trial sent to improve our character. I felt as though no one knew exactly how to relate to my family, and we had no one to help us grieve our tragedy. As the years passed, I began to feel abandoned by the church.
When I stepped outside my local church and began to connect with other families who were educating their children at home, I suddenly found acceptance and a Christian community that consisted of people from all different denominations. Most of them never knew Justin before he was handicapped, so he was simply a part of our family. These people became my church.
But even here, I felt the need to perform. I needed to be good and valuable to be loved. As one of the founding members of our homeschool group, I spent years in leadership, and I kept the group informed and connected with a monthly newsletter. I loved doing this for our group, but it also added to my sense of worth. My value, at least in my eyes, was still based on what I did.
Pausing
During that season of grief over the loss of my healthy and ‘normal’ child, I struggled to learn to love the handicapped son I now had. While I was juggling homeschooling three of my children, caring for my now severely handicapped son, and trying to patch and hide from public view a marriage that was crumbling, I stumbled upon a practice that became a lifeline to me. Somehow – I’m not sure how the phrase or the practice came to me – I learned to pause amid the chaos and the mess of my life and give thanks for the moment I was in. I gave thanks for the immediate blessings I could see and feel and touch and taste. I gave thanks for that day, that season, that place, and that moment. And in the stopping, in the living in the moment, in the gratitude, I began to feel a connection to God that I had never felt before.
I had always had a ‘quiet time’ as an important practice as a Christian. But during that season my quiet time became more than a duty, it became a delight. I began to feel a sense of God’s presence; I began to feel a sense of relationship. And I began to realize that it wasn’t in the doing that I felt loved, it was actually in the pausing that I could feel God’s presence…and His love. I began to call this practice pausing to praise and eventually named my first blog after this practice.
The Brevity of Life
Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom. ~ Psalm 90:12 NLT
Years later, I read this verse in the New Living Translation, and I suddenly realized that this verse and this psalm aren’t about how much we should accomplish. This is a prayer of Moses when he felt separated from God. Moses is longing for the relationship he has had with God in the past and he now feels this relationship is lost because of the sin of his people. But a relationship with God is important to Moses; this is what is vital to his life, and I think Moses is asking God not to let him live a moment in which he is not mindful of his need for God.
I realized that God isn’t concerned about our productivity, He is interested in a relationship with us. I knew this was what God had been gently teaching me for years. And my heart echoed that of Moses, this was and is vital to my life and I do not want to live a moment I am not mindful of my need for God. Of course, it doesn’t mean we abandon all that God has called us to do. However, our first call is the greatest commandment, “And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.” Mark 12:30
A Prayer for All
And so, the verse that once commissioned me to duty, has become the cry of my heart. Lord, teach me to realize the brevity of life, and grant me wisdom to give my best efforts to those things that are eternal, that I may live in relationship with you both now and always.
I pray this is the prayer of your heart too. As Moses prayed and asked God to restore relationships and bless the people of Israel, the last verses of this psalm are also my prayer for you today, especially for those who are grieving, those who are lonely, and those who feel weighted down by the burdens of life.
Satisfy us each morning with your unfailing love, so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives.
Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery! Replace the evil years with good.
Let us, your servants, see your work again; let our children see your glory.
And may the Lord our God show us his approval and make our efforts successful.
Yes, make our efforts successful! ~ Psalm 90:14-17 NLT
A Note to My Reader
For as long as I can remember writing has been a part of my life. Words feel like color and music to me, and they are the language of my soul. Often, I do not know how I feel until the words pour out on paper.
Writing is both healing and life-giving to me and it is my prayer that my words are also healing and life-giving to you too. I often have lofty goals that fall short of my mark. But this past year has brought many changes to my life that have impacted my writing life, and I anticipate more changes in the coming year.
Won’t you join me on this journey? Subscribe to my newsletter and receive links to recent blog posts, exclusive content, exciting news, and upcoming offers.