stuck in the margins
Have you ever felt lonely in a crowd or disconnected from those around you? Perhaps you’ve felt unseen and unknown, or maybe shame and guilt have left you wanting to remain unseen and unknown. This can happen in almost any group or social gathering, but have you ever had these feelings at church? You are not alone – many of us have been in this place. I know I have.
In almost any congregation, there are those that feel as though they don’t belong. Maybe they feel marked by sin and judged by others – whether they are or not. Maybe they carry some secret about themselves or their family that they feel would shame them if others knew. Or perhaps they simply feel overlooked and unknown, and they feel as though there is no space for them.
My Story
There was a season in my life when I didn’t feel as though I fit. I had been in leadership positions at church and in local, regional, and state homeschool organizations for several years. But my life was in transition, and I was no longer leading. My children had graduated, I was no longer homeschooling, and I had begun attending a new church where I had no close friends. I was also struggling with a broken relationship with my youngest son and adjusting to life with adult children or an ‘empty nest’. And, I was single, which made it more difficult to connect with other women my age – most of whom were married.
To further complicate things, I carried a secret about my family which made it even more difficult to make connections in the church. My youngest son was gay, and I had an unlaying sense of guilt that somehow, I had failed as a Christian parent. Since Jerrod was a teenager, our family and a few close friends had known of his struggles with same-sex attraction, but embarrassment left me hesitant to share this information. I had hoped that counseling and time would erase the problem, but it hadn’t.
This was almost a decade ago and at the time, I did not know of any resources for Christian parents of LGBTQ kids or young adults. The few people I confided in were usually kind, but not helpful and at times even hurtful and harmful. Like most Christians at the time, the only teaching I had ever received was the message of the 80s and 90s that proclaimed that homosexuality was simply a rebellious choice and a sin. Most Christians felt the answers to any questions regarding LGBT people were scripturally straightforward, and generally, I agreed with them. Unfortunately, there just wasn’t any desire to examine the complexities of the LGBT conversation and therefore, no space for grace.
Jerrod's Story
But if I felt lost in the church, it was worse for Jerrod who felt rejected and condemned by the very people called to love him. Jerrod’s life has been hard, and unfortunately, rather than help carry his burden, his Christian family and his Christian brothers have often made his struggles far more difficult. Pain and rejection have driven him into communities that were more accepting, but harmful to him. So, while this is my story, it is Jerrod’s story too, and this is where I hope to share my experiences and my journey as a Christian parent of a gay Christian man along with feedback and input from Jerrod.
Where are we going?
Although those who identify as LGBT and those who love them will be my primary focus here, they are not the only ones who may sometimes feel marginalized. As a combat veteran who also suffers from anxiety, and depression, Jerrod often feels segregated by mental illness, and there are others like him – both gay and straight – who feel isolated with their struggles.
As a single adult for more than 20 years, I know that singles are another group often overlooked in churches that almost idolize marriage and family. And what about those whose lives have been devastated by physical and sexual abuse, or the poverty-stricken, or the homeless and destitute? Aside from ‘charity cases’ where do they fit in our Christian communities? How do we offer both help and the dignity of community inclusion?
I hope that these posts will spark conversations that are not condemning the church and Christian community, but rather, they will help us see – myself included – how we can better love, serve, and include those who feel they are stuck on the sidelines.
I have not done this well, and I am still learning, but I want to see others as Jesus saw them and love as He loved. Won’t you join me on this journey? Can we make space for grace here?
