Jerrod's Story
Lost
When my youngest son, Jerrod, was sixteen, he went on a Fine Arts Youth Trip to Orlando with several other youth from our church. Two days after they left, I received a call from our youth pastor asking me if I had heard from Jerrod. Somehow, he had gotten separated from the church group, and they were looking for him. Initially, the youth pastor felt certain that Jerrod would show up soon and the group would continue with their plans for the day. But as the hours passed and day faded into night, concern and fear began to mount.
This was in 2006 and although Jerrod had a phone – which he had not answered – the flip phone he carried could not be tracked. As our youth pastor and his wife worked with the authorities in Orlando, me and a few other members of our church along with those in Orlando, began an all-night prayer vigil. In the back of our minds was the unspoken fear that foul play was the cause of his disappearance – what else could have happened? Although the police suggested he might be a runaway, the thought seemed unlikely to everyone who knew him. Jerrod was a well-mannered and obedient kid; he had been homeschooled and sheltered from negative influences his whole life; and he was smart and talented.
Answered Prayers
As I lay prostrate on the floor in the middle of that long night, I cried out to God in a desperate prayer of brokenness. I had just buried my oldest son two years earlier and I could not bear the thought of losing another child. I begged God to protect Jerrod and return him to our family unharmed. And God was gracious to both me and Jerrod that night.
The next morning, I began to contact family members and friends and let them know Jerrod was missing. Finally, just before noon the next day – eighteen hours after he had disappeared – Jerrod called his youth pastor and let him know where he was. Jerrod said he had planned to go to a bar and allow himself to be abducted and hopefully murdered – put out of his own misery. He also considered stepping out in front of a truck or large vehicle. However, he had been unable to find his way out of a residential area, and by the grace of God, decided to return and abandon his attempts to end his life.
A Secret Struggle
After the police returned him to his youth pastor, Jerrod told his youth pastor he was gay and had struggled with same sex attraction for several years and did not know any other way to cope.
Like many other teens raised in conservative Christian communities, he had been taught that same sex attraction was a sin and yet, despite his best efforts, he had been unable to change his sexual orientation. At that time, there was no grace, no space, no real guidance or direction, and no hope for gay believers in the Christian community. In fact, most of the Christian community believed – especially in 2006 – that sexual orientation was a choice and someone who was gay was rebelling against God, had chosen to be gay, and could not possibly be a Christian. So, Jerrod felt it was better to be dead than to be gay.
Shock
When I received that call from our youth pastor relaying Jerrod’s struggles and telling me that my son was gay and had attempted suicide, I was dumbfounded. This did not even sound like my son. How could he have had these struggles and I hadn’t known anything about it?
Of course, like my own upbringing, sex was never openly discussed in our household. The few times I had discussed sex with my children, the conversations were short and awkward, and I had never even thought about discussing sexual orientation. The purity movement which was just emerging as I was entering my late teens, was in full swing as my own children entered their teens, and it had become a popular topic strongly promoted both in the homeschool community and in the church. And so, I thought aside from the basic facts, the message of abstinence was all my children needed to know about sex.
Forever Changed
Little did I know the call that brought profound relief on that day in August 2006, also brought me news that would eventually change my life forever. That day some friends paid my airfare to Florida, and I returned home with Jerrod the next day. We sought out counselling and we began to pray that God would remove these feelings from Jerrod. But like many others, despite all our efforts, nothing changed.
Just as it had been with Justin several years earlier, my prayers were not answered in the way that I hoped. While I do believe in miracles, sometimes God doesn’t always step in and give us the miracle we desire. We couldn’t pray the gay away. Some may think we simply didn’t have enough faith, while others may believe that sexual orientation is a choice and Jerrod didn’t really want to change. But sometimes rather than change our circumstances, God uses our circumstances to change us. And just as God had used Justin to show me the handicaps in my own heart, God began to use Jerrod and his struggles, to reveal areas of judgmental self-righteousness and a lack of empathy, understanding, and love in MY heart for those whose experiences in life may be different than my own.
Jerrod’s life has been hard. A lack of understanding and love from his Christian family and his Christian brothers have often been made his struggles even more difficult. Pain and rejection have driven him into communities that have been harmful to him, and he has made choices that have had long lasting and difficult implications. He and I have struggled in our relationship as I have struggled to understand the complexities of his life. But Jerrod loves God and that has never changed even as he has wrestled with God and sin, and his own beliefs and theology.
Sufficient Grace
There is much to say here, and I have learned that the issues – and therefore the conversations – are not as simple as I once thought. This is my story – and part of Jerrod’s story. And as I share my journey, I hope it is both informational and encouraging not only to other Christian parents of LGBT adult children, but to anyone who has a heart for this community. Just as God changed my heart over the course of the twelve years that I cared for Justin, God once more began to soften and remold my heart during the past 16 years. It has been an eye-opening and humbling journey. I have stumbled and struggled, and I have moved forward only on my knees. I have been broken to realize how judgmental and self-righteous I truly am. I have not loved well, and I have often been reminded of my own desperate need for grace!
But His grace is sufficient – for me, for Jerrod, and for you too, my friend. So, I hope you’ll check back and join me as I share my journey and as we enter conversations on how we can make space for grace.
Sheila, Thank you so much for sharing your story. This must have been hard on you, but sharing your own experiences will help others facing the same.
Thanks, Julie. It has been a long journey and I have learned a lot along the way, and I am still learning! It is my prayer that my experiences will be helpful to parents and others who have a heart for the LGBT community.