I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.
Romans 7:15 NLT
Unexpected Silence
The occasion was joyous, and I should have been smiling as I drove home, but a cloud of guilt and regret hung over my heart. I felt like I had deceived someone I liked and admired. To make matters worse, I don’t know why I didn’t have the courage to speak up when I had the opportunity – or why speaking up should even require courage. I didn’t think I would have any objections if the truth were known, yet when I had the opportunity to speak, I was silent.
Driving home, I asked myself, “What’s wrong with you? Why didn’t you say something? It wasn’t a secret.” I felt ashamed and didn’t even know why.
“You feel what you feel,” the words of my counselor echoed in my mind as I wrestled with my emotions, and I let my mind wander back to that moment when a few simple words would have clarified a truth, and I wouldn’t have left feeling deceptive and confused. Rather than beat myself up regretfully, I asked myself, “What did I feel right there at that moment? What feelings did I respond to? And when the answers aren’t immediately apparent, I desperately pray, “Lord, help me understand my heart. Why was I silent when I wanted and needed to speak.?”
I Don't Understand Myself
Like Paul, I don’t understand myself. I don’t always know why I do what I do and don’t do what I think I should do. Jesus said (recorded in Matthew 15:18) that the words you speak or, in this case, don’t speak, come from the heart. My heart can be deceptive, often hiding the truth about what I feel.
I have a long history of stuffing my feelings to suppress or eradicate them, but my counselor, Dana, has said, “I think we eventually do feel those emotions we have suppressed.” And I have found that those are often the very feelings that trip me up and catch me off-guard.
A Deceptive Inner Voice
Perhaps you also have emotions you have hidden from yourself. Maybe, like mine, they whisper, ‘I’m not good enough,’ or ‘I don’t matter,’ ‘I’m not wanted,’ ‘I don’t belong,’ and ‘I’m not valuable.’ Of course, they only whisper because if they spoke louder and clearer, we could refute them. But these whispers can waylay us when we least expect it, and suddenly, we find ourselves doing what we know we shouldn’t or not doing what we feel we should. I don’t know about you, but sometimes, I think the hardest person to understand is myself. And…I believe we are often the easiest for our hearts to deceive.
This journey to know and understand our hearts is hard and often long. However, it is worth the effort because it can help us understand why we do what we do. Our efforts can and do make a difference in our lives as we learn to recognize and manage our feelings before they surprise us with unintentional responses. But ultimately, we cannot completely fix ourselves.
God Within Us
“O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? (Romans 7:24) As Paul’s words to the church in Rome remind us, we are all broken. Thankfully, Paul answers his own question, both for himself and for us, “I thank God- through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:25)
We are not alone in this journey, and while we strive to know and understand the heart that is within us, we can find comfort in knowing there is someone else within us who knows us even better than we know ourselves. He knows the heart’s secrets, and He gave us Himself to dwell within us. (Psalms 44:21; Acts 15:8) He does not condemn us; He loves and saves us by His grace when we cannot save ourselves.
An Answered Prayer
I am thankful that sometimes He is gracious to open our eyes to our own hearts. So, as I think back to that moment that silenced me, I now hear the words of my heart that whispered, “You are not worthy of being here. You aren’t important or valuable enough to be in these relationships.” I realized I could not bear up under that debt of undeserved grace, so, for a moment, I found my worth in a friendship and connection with someone I couldn’t clarify because I couldn’t find any worth in myself.
But I know I can’t borrow someone’s worth, and their value does not diminish my own. I am God’s handiwork, just as they are God’s handiwork, and we are both beautifully created with value and worth. We are both loved and saved by grace. God’s grace for me gives me grace for myself; it allows me to accept the love I was offered at that moment and cherish it with a heart that overflows with love in return.