A Language Barrier
Earlier this year, my son, Jerrod, helped me design and rebuild my website. This may seem to be a reasonably simple job for anyone born after 1990, but for those of us born in the 50’s, 60’s, and 70’s, it’s a real challenge. Part of the challenge is the terminology. Later, after my website was finished, Jerrod sent me a tic tok video that was a funny exaggeration of how detrimental the language / terminology barrier can be when trying to communicate a problem to or receive help from tech support.
I think the same can be true of the Christian community and the LGBTQ community. We often don’t get past introductions before the terminology barrier can obstruct any meaningful dialogue. I’m certainly no expert on the terminology used by the LGBTQ community, so I hope those in that community will offer me some grace here as I try to help those in the Christian community learn the lingo. And as I explain how some of these terms were used in the past, I hope it will help the younger generation understand some of the animosity to certain words and phrases.
Hostile Assumptions
This post is long, and many may feel you already know what these terms mean, but we should all keep in mind that the English language is fluid and so words can have different meanings to different people and meanings may change over time. When we are talking to someone about a topic with which we are not familiar, we should remember to be courteous and ask before assuming to know what someone else means by a term we may not fully understand.
A few weeks ago, I wrote a post titled Coming Out Gay. The post was the story of our family’s experience when my son, Jerrod, finally shared his struggles with same-sex attraction.
While no one made any negative comments on my blog or on Facebook, I received some strongly worded texts. One text in particular broke my heart – not because it hurt my feelings – but because it was just one example of the responses LGBTQ people regularly receive from their Christian brothers and sisters. However, the real tragedy is the person who wrote the text was offended by the words I wrote because they did not correctly understand the meaning of the words I used. Once I clarified what I meant, they were not as hostile.
This is a shortened version of that text, edited to keep the identity confidential:
“I can’t believe you wrote that on Facebook!! You have opened yourself to the wrath of God. You have let wrong doctrine turn your mind from the truth of the Word of God You are not only leading Jerrod to Hell but sending others that will read that! You will have to stand before the Lord and answer for this!! You are so proud of all that you read n have placed it over the Word of God. I can not believe you have done this!!
So Let's Learn the Lingo!
Coming Out
Coming out – According to Wikipedia, the expression ‘coming out’ is a metaphor used to describe LGBTQ people’s self-disclosure of their sexual orientation, romantic orientation or their gender identity.
AN IMPORTANT NOTE: This does not necessarily mean that someone is announcing their availability for dating or casual sex. It just means they are letting others know their sexual orientation.
AND…for those who may be confused as to why a person might think ‘coming out’ means someone is making themselves available to other potential partners. According to this same Wikipedia article, “The present-day expression “coming out” is understood to have originated in the early 20th century from an analogy that likens homosexuals’ introduction into gay subculture to a debutante’s ‘coming-out party. This is a celebration for a young upper-class woman who is making her debut – her formal presentation to society – because she has reached adult age or has become eligible for marriage.”
This ‘availability’ was a common assumption associated with the term ‘coming out’ until the late 1980’s. During the sexual revolution of the 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s, when someone ‘come out’ as gay, it was a common assumption at that time that they were making themselves available to others for sexual relationships.
AGAIN, please know that when someone ‘comes out’ as gay, they are just announcing their sexual orientation unless they personally tell you otherwise. Please don’t make any other assumptions!
Sexual Orientation
Sexual orientation – I feel this definition is so important that I copied it straight from Wikipedia. Although I shortened it some, so I encourage you to read it in its entirety. And while some Christians may not completely agree with scientific definitions because they may lack spirituality and leave God out of the equation, I think that we should at least give some consideration to the amount of time and research that shapes the opinions and definitions of these professionals. However, I am not suggesting that we leave our faith out of the equation either, because I too belief that our faith changes how we view the world and others.
Sexual orientation is an enduring pattern of romantic or sexual attraction (or a combination of these) to persons of the opposite sex or gender, the same sex or gender, or to both sexes or more than one gender. These attractions are generally subsumed under heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality, while asexuality (the lack of sexual attraction to others) is sometimes identified as the fourth category.
According to the American Psychological Association, sexual orientation “also refers to a person’s sense of identity based on those attractions, related behaviors, and membership in a community of others who share those attractions” The term sexual preference largely overlaps with sexual orientation but is generally distinguished in psychological research. Sexual preference may also suggest a degree of voluntary choice, whereas sexual orientation is not a choice.
Scientists do not know the exact cause of sexual orientation, but they theorize that it is caused by a complex interplay of genetic, hormonal, and environmental influences. Although no single theory on the cause of sexual orientation has yet gained widespread support, scientists favor biologically based theories. There is considerably more evidence supporting nonsocial, biological causes of sexual orientation than social ones, especially for males. There is no substantive evidence which suggests parenting or early childhood experiences play a role with regard to sexual orientation. Across cultures, most people are heterosexual, with a minority of people having a homosexual or bisexual orientation. A person’s sexual orientation can be anywhere on a continuum, from exclusive attraction to the opposite sex to exclusive attraction to the same sex.
Gay
Gay – Wow! This little word is the source of so much conflict and confusion! There is a great article on the history of the word gay in The Gayly. Here is a short excerpt from that article:
“For centuries, gay was used commonly in speech and literature to mean happy, carefree, bright and showy, and did not take on any sexual meaning until the 1600s.
At that time the meaning of gay as carefree evolved to imply that a person was unrestrained by morals and prone to decadence and promiscuity. A prostitute might have been described as a “gay woman” and a womanizer as a “gay man”.
Copyright The Gayly. June 17,2018 10:27 a.m.CST. The history of the word “gay” | The Gayly
Dictionary.com is another source for information on the history of this word, as well as, wikipedia. com.
While many people may not know that gay once meant ‘unrestrained by morals and prone to decadence and promiscuity. The connotation of this meaning carried down through the 1970’s and 1980’s. So, it was not uncommon in the 1980’s for the word gay to refer to someone who was having casual sexual relations with a number of same-sex partners.
A grammar note: Gay is usually used as an adjective. Adjectives are primarily used to describe a particular quality of the noun they modify. Gay is not a verb and does not denote action. On the other hand, sin is verb. While sin can be a noun it is most often used as a verb (action word). So gay and sin do not mean the same thing! The phrase ‘gay man’ simply describes the man’s state of being or how he experiences the world. It does not describe what he does. There is no action in this phrase.
Lesbian
Lesbian – According to dictionary.com, the definition of lesbian is “a woman who is sexually attracted to other women, a gay woman. And according to Wikipedia, “the word is also used for women in relation to their sexual identity or sexual behavior; regardless of sexual orientation, or as an adjective to characterize or associate nouns with female homosexuality or same-sex attraction.”
The word Lesbian evolved in the 20th century and as you can see, it can also have various meanings, so if you’re not sure what someone means if they call themselves a lesbian, then please ask before making assumptions.
SSA
SSA or same sex attracted. This is a term that I’ve noticed both Christians who experience same sex orientation and Christians who are simply referring to same sex orientation often find more comfortable probably due to the negative connotation of the word gay. Both SSA and gay refer to same sex orientation and are often used interchangeably.
Bisexual
Bisexual– According to dictionary.com, someone who is bisexual is “a person who is sexually or romantically attracted to people of two or more genders.” Although the usage note for bisexual states, “Traditionally, bisexual has referred to romantic, emotional, or sexual attraction to two, and no more than two, genders, specifically men and women.”
And according to Wikipedia, “A bisexual identity does not necessarily equate to equal sexual attraction to both sexes; commonly, people who have a distinct but not exclusive sexual preference for one sex over the other also identify themselves as bisexual.”
Dictionary.com goes on to state in the usage note, “However, the term is increasingly being used to refer to a level of sexual fluidity in which an individual moves bidirectionally along a spectrum of sexuality.
I don’t want to get into a discussion regarding genders here, but I include this definition just for the purpose of an example of how the English language is fluid and meanings of words can change.
I would also like to note for those who are not familiar with the condition, that there are intersexual persons who have both male and female reproductive organs and/or a chromosomal pattern that does not align with typical male or female patterns. This is a physical condition.
Transgender or Trans
Transgender – Noting or relating to a person whose gender identity does not correspond to that person’s sex assigned at birth. ~Dictionary.com
According to Wikipedia, “….The term transgender does not have a universally accepted definition, including among researchers. Being transgender is distinct from sexual orientation. Transgender people may identify as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual or otherwise, or may decline to label their sexual orientation.
Wikipedia continues, “the degree to which individuals feel genuine, authentic, and comfortable within their external appearance and accept their genuine identity has been called transgender congruence. Many transgender people experience gender dysphoria, and some seek medical treatments such as hormone replacement therapy, sex reassignment surgery, or psychotherapy. Not all transgender people desire these treatments, and some cannot undergo them for financial or medical reasons.
Queer
Queer – As an adjective in the traditional sense, the word queer means: strange or odd from a conventional viewpoint; unusually different; singular, of a questionable nature or character; suspicious; shady. ~Dictionary.com
However, most of us have heard the word queer at some point or another in reference to those in the LGBT community. In the late 19th century, the word queer came to be used as a negative slur against those with same sex desires or relationships.
Queer is an umbrella term for people who are not heterosexual. Some in the LGBT community still consider it a derogatory term, while many younger LGBT persons have reclaimed the word as a positive identifier. And according to Wikipedia, in the 21st century queer became increasingly used to describe a broad spectrum of non-normative sexuality.
There is a lot of controversy regarding this term. There are both LGBT and non-LGBT people who object to its use, while other LGBT people embrace the term and prefer it to other identifying terms. It is always best to ask how someone would like to be identified.
Cisgender
Cisgender – Cisgender (sometimes shortened to cis) like most of these terms is also an adjective. It means noting or relating to a person whose gender identity corresponds with that person’s sex assigned at birth. This is the opposite of transgender. ~Dictionary.com
So Why is Language Important?
So, the acronym LGBTQ stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, transgender, queer or questioning. And for all of these definitions there are multiple combinations and other terms, however, due to the length of this article, there simply isn’t space to discuss them all.
While there are many who roll their eyes at these terms and wonder why it is important to know and understand how someone wishes to describe his or herself, I would like to remind us of the purpose and beauty of language. The primary function of language is communication. There is also a beauty to language that is unique, just as individuals each of us are also unique and beautiful. With language we can display the beauty or ugliness that is inside us – our thoughts and our feelings and all that makes us as uniquely different on the inside as our bodies are on the outside. The first words ever spoken were spoken by God as God used language to create the world and all that is in it.
“Then God said, “Let there be light, and there was light. ~Genesis 1:3
And in the beginning, God used language to commune with man. God instructed Adam as well as walked and fellowshipped with him. And, of all that He created, man alone was given the unique ability to commune with God.
Having cared for someone who lost the ability to communicate, I know the devastation of that loss. We not only use language to communicate our needs and wants, but we also use language to express our individual, unique way of seeing the world and experiencing the world. And we all have different ways of experiencing the world and use different adjectives to describe ourselves and our experiences. We may experience the world as a tall woman, a black man, a thin teenager, a small child, or…a gay man.
Overcoming Awkward with Understanding
And whether we’re comfortable mentioning it or not, we are all created as sexual beings. God created male and female. (Genesis 5:2). For many this is the only sexual description we need, and I know it is the only one mentioned in scripture. Until the twentieth century there really wasn’t common language to describe sexual orientation – just the act of homosexual sex is mentioned. But whether we like it or not, there are now terms to describe the feelings and attractions that in centuries past were never spoken of or given language. These terms may make us feel awkward and uncomfortable, but for someone else they may give them language to feel known and more fully understood.
Proverbs 16:16 says, “How much better it is to get wisdom than gold, and to get understanding rather to be chosen than silver.” I think this proverb is a reminder to all of us on both sides of this conversation. Understanding (or trying to understand) how someone else feels or describes themselves is one way we can offer grace. And understanding why others are offended by our terms and extending patience while offering explanation and clarification can also be a way of offering grace. I haven’t cited much scripture in this conversation, but rather I think we must consider the entirety of the gospel. If God in His infinite mercy demonstrated His love towards us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us (Romans 5:8) and saved us by grace through faith, (Ephesians 2:8) can’t we offer grace to one another to meet them where they are in their spiritual journey remembering that none of us are fully santified?
Additional Resources
My youngest son, Jerrod, first told me he was gay in the summer of 2006. It was years before I ever stumbled across any positive and helpful resources for Christians who struggle with same-sex attraction and the people who love them, so I’m excited to share some of my favorites.
I am so grateful for people like Preston Sprinkle who have helped open my eyes to both the truth and the grace of God!
Today there are several books on the topic of LGBT and Christianity. Not all are helpful, but here are a couple of my favorites.
Single, Gay, Christian by Gregory Coles is my absolute favorite! This book will make you cry and open your eyes to the struggles of LGBT Christians.
People to be Loved: Why Homosexuality is Not Just an Issue by Preston Sprinkle is another great read for anyone who is genuinely interested in what scripture has to say about homosexuality and how to love those who struggle with same-sex attraction. As Preston writes, “Simply saying that the Bible condemns homosexuality is not accurate, nor is it enough to end the debate.
Preston also has a book on transgender identities and the church titled Embodied as well as several other books on the LGBTQ conversation.
Helpful Websites for LGBTQ Christians and those who love them:
Center for Faith, Sexuality, and Gender
Preston’s podcast Theology in the Raw is also one of my favorite resources.
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